


i don't like this, i don't like me

by katiefba



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, F/F, Homophobia, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Only sometimes tho, Party, Popular TJ, Self-Hatred, i will add more tags i swear, minor ambi, supportive friends, tj is kinda mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 03:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19737295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiefba/pseuds/katiefba
Summary: TJ is popular.Cyrus is not.But that's okay with him. He's perfectly content with his school life, with his friends, with his grades. He's not unhappy with any of it, nor does he wish to be like TJ.But when he and TJ meet for the first time, he discovers that maybe it isn't that great to be popular like that.That maybe TJ isn't all that happy with the way he is.When friendship and feelings awaken inside of them, Cyrus realizes that there are more differences between them than he had even thought.





	i don't like this, i don't like me

“Why do we have to play the Raptors?” The girl, Buffy, groans from the other side of the table Cyrus was sat at. A frown formed on her face immediately after saying that, her head falling into her arms as she sighed. “We’ll lose. We’ll really lose…” she huffs, and Marty strokes his hand along her back to comfort her. 

“You’re admitting to defeat?” Marty asks, in an attempt to cheer her up. It was obvious by the tone of his voice, which was a bit snarky. He was definitely trying to get her riled up.   
And it worked, because she immediately shot back, “No? I won’t let them beat us, I just think there’s a good chance.” she glares at Marty, but she was holding back a small smile. 

Andi chirps in from the side of the table, “Of course Buffy wouldn’t lose. You’ve seen her play, right, Marty?” Andi smirks, and then conversation is suddenly more lively. Cyrus had been listening in, because he understood it more, but was suddenly very lost when they began to talk about basketball. Even Andi was keeping up with Marty and Buffy, and she didn’t play. Or care for sports at all, really.   
Cyrus really wasn’t destined for sports-- Buffy had been playing basketball for as long as he could remember, at least middle school, and it still felt like he hadn’t learned a thing about it. Maybe he never would. It wasn’t like it was exactly his thing. It was athletic. Athleticism wasn’t his thing. 

He leans back in his chair, sipping on the cafeteria milk with half closed eyes. The conversation chirped on, being passed back and forth between Marty and Buffy, and occasionally Jonah or Andi would pop up and say something.   
A small sigh escapes his mouth, and as his eyes are about to close, they suddenly drift to the group of boys, probably around four or five, that just entered the cafeteria. It was a bit late, probably around the middle of lunch break, so it was a bit strange to see people coming in still. 

Among the group of boys, one stood out more to Cyrus. Blond hair, though it wasn’t super light, more of a dirty blond than anything, and a tall figure. TJ, Cyrus was pretty sure. He had heard the name a few times. He stood out, even in a group of boys like that, who were obviously athletes, and obviously popular. If Cyrus wasn’t already completely happy with his own appearance, he wouldn’t mind looking like that.   
TJ takes his seat, grinning at the other boys with him. Cyrus wondered if they were teammates or something.

Cyrus stares for a moment longer before he’s brought back into the real world. The real world, of course, being the table he was sitting at. And the voice that brought him back, belonging to Jonah. 

“Cyrus!” Jonah calls, his voice raised slightly. Cyrus blinks, then turns away from the table, “Ah, Jonah, what’s up?” he raises an eyebrow, easing into the conversation at once. It was a bit awkward when you’re spaced out like that. It seemed like something that only happened in movies, but then it actually happened to him. Definitely awkward.   
“Were you in LaLa Land or something?” Buffy snorts in remark to his spacing out. Cyrus shakes his head, but he isn’t mad. “No, I was just deep in thought.” he answers.

“And you were thinking about what?” she asks, raising a brow. “What could be so important at school lunch?” her tone is playful, and it was obvious she wasn’t really serious about anything. It also didn’t seem she cared. 

“Nothing, really. You know, weather, books, things like that.” 

“Wow, very interesting.” she snorts, then turns back to Marty, immediately engrossing herself into some conversation about basketball or any other sport Cyrus knew nothing about. It was a bit hard for him to tell the difference between them sometimes. 

“What was it, Jonah?” he asks, turning away from Buffy and to the boy who was next to him. “Okay, so my parents have been out of town, right?” Jonah begins. Cyrus nods. “So, tomorrow night, I’m gonna have a party. Not a small party, a big one. I’ve invited everyone at the school, basically. So you have to come, too.” he continues with enthusiasm. Cyrus raises a brow. If there was one thing he remembered from middle school, it was that hosting a party at your parent’s house while they aren’t home isn’t always the best idea. 

“I just thought I’d invite you, and,” he turns to the other three, who were talking about some girl on some social media’s picture. “And you guys, too. It feels a bit weird to invite you to a party over text.” he rubs the back of his head, smiling that usual smile he gave. It was a bit annoying how white his teeth were. When they were younger, Cyrus might’ve thought Jonah’s dad was a dentist. 

“Party? At your house? With no parents?” Buffy raises her eyebrows, a wide expression that clearly showed she was all for the idea. Andi seemed into as well, nodding along, even if she was the one who hosted a party that got busted by her parents before. Sometimes you never learn. Especially when you just want to have a party. 

Cyrus was on the opposite side of this thought process. Obviously, he wasn’t going to say no to going, since it was his friend’s party, and everyone else was going to go. But it wasn’t exactly like he enjoyed parties. They were loud. Loud and bright. People yelling, people screaming, people talking, loud music, bright lights, a whole lot of dancing combined with the smell of beer, and often, cigarettes. Cyrus didn’t really understand the appeal. 

“Sure, I’ll be there.” Cyrus responds, and in synch Andi, Buffy and Marty raise their fists in victory. He forgets how much of dorks his friends can be sometimes, but when they do things like that, it’s obvious. He smiles to them just as, as if right on queue, the lunch period bell went off. 

Everyone collectively sighed. The end of lunch means back to class. Fun. Very fun. They begin to get up, Buffy making her way over to where Jonah was, since she had class with him. Cyrus was misfortunate, and didn’t have shared class with any of his friends for this period, “See you guys after class.” Cyrus announces, waving to them. They all wave back, and he’s off to the classroom, pushing through crowded hallways. 

\- - - - - - -

The hallways always felt denser the closer to class Cyrus got. Maybe it was because the people heading to the classroom he was in were also there, but it felt oddly crowded. Cyrus pushes past people, awkwardly shuffling between girls taller than he was. He’d like to think he had grown a lot since middle school, but he was definitely still on the shorter side. Some girls towered over him, and it was a bit intimidating.  
Once he had gotten around a group of three girls, he noticed the boy from earlier. The tall one, with blond hair.TJ. It wasn’t like being tall and blond was exactly… noteable. Afterall, that was what every white highschool boy looked like. But there was something more that stood out about him. Cyrus couldn’t quite place it. 

He definitely stood out in a crowd, too. A sweatshirt was thrown lazily over his t-shirt, and for as rundown as it looked, it was certainly stylish. Cyrus also noted the same group of friends from before-- mostly athletes, he assumed by their build. They were definitely on the popular side, he could tell that much by the fact that every time a girl walked past she’d wave, and they’d all wave back. 

They were the type to throw parties like it was nothing, date girls here and there without a thought, hang out with cheerleaders. All the cliche things. But that was true for boys like them. And especially the blond one. Especially the one Cyrus now found himself staring at as he stepped foot into the classroom. 

He wondered what it’d be like to be friends with people like that. Popular people. Popular high schoolers. That kind of thing was out of his league. It wasn’t like Buffy and Andi, or Marty and Jonah were unpopular, but they weren’t the star athletes that everyone wanted to be.Buffy was the closest. And Cyrus was aware of how cliche these things were, even as he thought about them. Even as he thought about the gap between people like him and people like them. If he was more insecure, maybe he’d really feel jealous. 

Thoughts like that weren’t really productive, though. Especially not when he was about to, y’know, go to class. That was more important. And he was focused on that, up until a certain blond boy in the group of athletes broke free, waving them bye and slapping them the way teenage boys did. Only after he did all that did Cyrus realize that he was, in fact, heading to the same class as him. 

He wasn’t aware they shared classes. Afterall, he didn’t pay all that much attention to his classmates, only really to his friends at school. Making sure his classmates didn’t pay too much attention to him was more of his concern. Still, he wondered how he didn’t notice someone that stood out so much? Maybe he hadn’t paid enough attention until now. 

Ah, crap, he was staring. He shakes his head, forcing his eyes to leave the back of TJ’s head and focus on class, focus on thinking.   
A sigh escapes his mouth, thoughts from earlier returning-- a party. He had gone to at least one before, though it was a lot smaller. It wasn’t hosted by a friend that time, but it was more cozy than he guessed Jonah’s would be. Whole school? Isn’t that something that only happens in movies? He really wasn’t sure how a party full of people was going to work. 

Not to mention his discomfort around other people. Sure, he could survive, and it’s not like he hated it, but it wasn’t his ideal situation. He’d prefer to just go out with friends. Not friends and the whole school. He supposed he could tell Jonah that he didn’t want to go, but he knew they’d all be disappointed if he didn’t. As little time they’d spend with him at a party that massive, they’d still want him to be there with them. Andi especially. She wasn’t big on those kind of things either. 

Not to mention the fact that Jonah’s parents could come home anytime. That wouldn’t be fun. Especially since he would have to stay behind and explain the whole situation to them. If he bailed… he wouldn’t bail. He wouldn’t leave his friends to explain to angry parents about this and that.   
But if he didn’t go in the first place, he wouldn’t have to worry about that. It was a dilemma. And he didn’t exactly want to think about it. 

Lucky for him, the teacher called his name just at that time. Stupid Cyrus, pay attention. He was in class. 

\- - - - - - -

The school day seemed to have went dreadfully fast that Friday. Cyrus had never actually said he wasn’t going to go to the party, so it wasn’t like he could just not go. Especially since he was now getting into the car with his friends. They all bunkered in, Cyrus, Marty, and Buffy in the back all together, and then Andi was in the passenger seat. Not that it mattered that much, since she was leaning back in her chair talking loudly to Marty and Buffy. 

Cyrus was tucked into the corner of the seat, laying his head against the window. He listens to their conversation only for a few minutes, though not listening intently enough to process what they were saying, or to join in. Buffy says something, and Andi hollers with laughter, Jonah chuckles a little, and Marty playfully knocks her on the shoulder. Cyrus smiles too.   
If it was just them hanging out in the car today, driving around, then it’d be fine. But that wasn’t what they were doing. 

Maybe Cyrus was making a big deal out of nothing, and getting worried over something that didn’t matter that much, but he really wasn’t looking forward to it. Especially as they drove closer to the house minute after minute, closer to the party, closer to the loud people, closer to wanting to go home. 

He closes his eyes for a minute, before Jonah’s voice cuts through the rest of the conversation, “So guys, I only have a bit left to prepare for the party, so when we get there you don’t have to do anything.” he looks back at the back seat, grinning at them, then turns to the front to watch the road. 

“Really? Sweet.” Buffy smiles, “Do you have drinks, or are people bringing them?” She asks, and before Cyrus could hear what Jonah answers he’s already laid his head back against the window. It didn’t matter to him either way. He didn’t drink. Even if he went to parties with alcohol, and drugs even, he wasn’t going to do something like that. His parents wouldn’t approve, and honestly, he wasn’t exactly interested himself. 

“Okay, we’re here.” Jonah stops the car almost immediately, pulling into the garage of his house and jumping out of the car. “Let’s go.” 

And they all pour out of the doors, Cyrus getting out last. It wasn’t bad to be at Jonah’s house right now, it was the same as always. He had been there quite a few times, and it was basically the same as always. 

He found the couch quickly, familiar with its position in the house. Jonah’s living room was a bit smaller than his, though it made sense. His house was only one story (though it was huge, and there was a basement). Still, he didn’t mind it. It was cozy. Just as home to him as his own home. Andi’s house, and Buffy’s as well were like second and third homes to him.   
They wouldn’t be when people began to pour inside the house. And he knew it’d be soon. He didn’t know when, but Jonah has basically finished setting everything up, the only thing he hadn’t done was turn off the regular lights and turn on the ‘party lights’. That was for later though. 

Buffy is sat on top of a counter on the outer edge of the kitchen, looking into the living room and talking about this and that with Marty and Jonah. Cyrus isn’t really paying attention to them, instead pushing deeper into the corner of the couch. It was more comfortable.

Jonah hopped up, headed into the kitchen. He pulls the fridge open, then turns to the rest of them, “You guys want something to drink?”   
They all pipe up, giving their ‘orders’ to Jonah. Buffy, Marty, and Jonah all had beer. It didn’t really surprise Cyrus. They’re all great people, and Cyrus knows that best, but they’re still teenagers. 

He didn’t have anything to drink, still comfortably placed on the couch. Andi was sipping water. That was sort of typical for her. Cyrus was pretty sure she didn’t like alcohol. He couldn’t blame her.   
At this point, the other three were up and about, messing around with stuff Jonah was using for the party or what not. Cyrus wasn’t paying too much attention to them. He glanced at Andi. She was still sitting there, sipping water.   
He figured she’d be up when people actually arrived, though. Even if she seemed uninterested, when it actually started up she was pretty into it. 

Just while Cyrus was thinking about it, the doorbell rang for the first time. Just as Cyrus suspected, the first few people had arrived. Jonah hurried over to let them in, and immediately a bunch of highschoolers flood into the house. Cyrus felt like he recognized none of them. 

He sighed. It got louder instantly, the sound of yelling and cheering and music and people talking basically screaming into Cyrus’ ears. It was all… too much for him. He lays his head back, letting his head fall into the corner of the couch. He was lucky-- people were hanging around the couch, but they weren’t sitting there. It allowed him to easily doze off despite the noise. 

\- - - - - - -

What time is it? Is the first thought Cyrus has as his eyes flutter open. It’s still loud, still going. People are still dancing and yelling. The music is still blaring.   
His legs find the ground easily, rubbing his eyes as he began to pull himself off the couch. He catches sight of a clock. It was twelve something. Wow. He slept a while without even meaning it. He supposed it wasn’t a problem though. It made the party move quicker. 

Sighing, he glances around. There’s people on the couch who seem… deeply involved with each other, and Cyrus doesn’t spare a second longer to stare at them before heading towards the main area. He catches Buffy and Marty dancing together amongst the crowd of his classmates. It makes Cyrus realize how much more into the whole ‘party’ thing they are than him. Jonah is nowhere to be seen, probably off entertaining some girls or something. Andi is also in the crowd, dancing with someone he couldn’t possibly not recognize. Amber. She was incredibly popular at their school. Even for being a huge school, it really seemed like everyone knew her. It made him wonder why she was at Jonah’s party. And even more why she was dancing so close to Andi.   
Cyrus just shrugged it off, pushing deeper into the crowd to reach the hallway with the bathroom. There was way too many people. Cyrus didn’t like it. They were shovey while they danced, and they seemed intent on not letting Cyrus get through to the hallway. 

He shoved through them, and finally found himself in the hallway.   
It was dense, and probably Cyrus’ least favorite part of the house. It was isolated compared to everything else. Which is why there seemed to be more people. The door to Jonah’s bedroom was at the end, and people were pressed up against it, flirting with each other with their faces less than a foot away from one another. Cyrus grimaced, then turns his body to the bathroom door before feeling himself thud. 

His feet gave out immediately, obviously having bumped into something bigger and taller than he was. Also, there was liquid on him now. His chest was soaked with… beer, based off the scent and the feeling. 

Cyrus props himself up onto his bottom, legs folded under himself as he began to wipe his face. Luckily for him, (or unluckily) it wasn’t on his face that much. Only really on his shirt, which was soaked. He grunts, pushing balled fists into his eyes and rubbing them to make sure there wasn’t anything in them, then looked up. 

TJ stood in front of him, looking slightly distressed by the fact that he ran into someone, and also that they fell over, and even more so that they were covered in what was his drink.   
Yikes. That was awkward.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! thank you so much for reading <33 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed it! this is the first fanfiction i've written in a long, long while, so please be easy with me!   
> i've already began writing the second chapter, so i plan to upload that soon.


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